Jamie Oliver: Winner of the Chef de Cuntie Award 2021

The Award for Chef de Cuntie has been awarded to a man who demonstrates great longevity in his field, spatulaing away heated competition from the likes of Gino di Campo, floppy haired body shaper Joe Wickes, and the yeasty Scouse sex robot Paul Hollywood: the public have voted Jamie Oliver as your Chef de Cuntie 2021.

Evidently the public are still sore about the Turkey Twizzlers fiasco. Even though those twisted spirals of indeterminable meat matter have snuck back onto our supermarket shelves for parents who hate their kids; even though childhood obesity in Britain hasn’t really changed that much since 2005 when Jamie tried to save children from their parents determined to feed them garbage, suggesting his campaign wasn’t even that successful… The public still hates him.  

One parent told us that: “The fact of the matter is, Oliver tried to take away OUR Turkey Twizzlers… he tried to tell us what we can or can’t poison our kids with, and for that he will be forever dead to us!”

Congratulations, Jamie! A sizzling effort.