Carnal Ventures

FEATURE: Carnal Ventures w/ Adrian Swall: Remembering ratemypoo.com

This week, in the first instalment of Carnal Ventures with me, man like Adrian Swall, we take a sloppy ploppy dive into the toilet of the past and cop a big fat look at a real piece of shit. Much like that scene form Trainspotting where the fella plunges headfirst into a disgusting bog to fish out the heroin he just shat into it, like the filthy junkie that he is, we revisit the legendary website ratemypoo.com.

Before everyone pretended they were attractive by altering their appearance with filters to trick people into liking’ them, people rated picture of other people’s poos based on the no-filter quality of the product on show. It was a more honest time. Even if you never visited it you know what it was. Its like ‘two girls one cup’… you don’t need to watch it to know what the fuck those filthy bitches was doing (I’m still traumatised from the time someone told me about it). Ratemypoo.com is like that, but less bad.

The internet has successfully beckoned the absolute dregs of humanity into the wide upon grasslands to flaunt their myriad disgusting plumages; I mean these people barely function. People up there, or down there, with the politicians and paedos. In fact I think id rather watch some moron eating her own shit than listen to PMQs, but that’s another matter.

Ratemypoo.com was one of the first things I can remember that made it okay to be fucked up on the internet. It seemd sort of lighthearted to look at the different types of poos people do; I remember there was a funny book or a chart or something that did the rounds when I was at school, which showed like the different types of poos – rabbit droppings, the ghost poo, the long winder, that sort of stuff – and because someone had drawn it, it was harmless. So ratemypoo maybe just felt like an extension of that. And compared to some of the stuff on the early internet, ratemypoo was tame anyway. I mean fuck a duck the early internet was like what the dark web is now, full of beheadings and the aftermaths of train accidents and women being fucked by horses n shit. Bad stuff that you cant remove from your mind.

Going on ratemypoo now you see it hasn’t been cleaned up in like 15/20 years… its all plain text in basic text boxes and it is a piece of crap – imagine if you did a shit up a wall in an abandoned house 20 years ago and left it there and then went back to look at it 20 years later… that’s what its like now. And that’s what makes you feel most grubby for being on it. It’s got that seedy early internet vibe; the vibe that comes with all the bad memories of all the bad shit you saw back in the day when your mates were all excited about seeing a Russian soldier getting his head cut off with a big fuck off knife so they made you watch it when you didn’t want to and now 15/20 years later you still get that fucking video popping into your head when you’re trying to sleep.

In fact, having plucked up the courage to click on some of the page titles, nothing works, it’s a dead husk of a website with nothing shitty on it all, apart from the big picture of doanld trump on the title page and the caption “a real piece of shit”. Fair play, whichever weird mother fucker created that website dropped by to leave a political message before signing out for good. Gotta respect that I guess, and what better place to give a fucking shout out to Donald trump than on www.ratemypoo.com?!

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